Kids are dumb.

(except mine).

Who needs a little Jesus?

no, baby. no. shhhh...

Caption this photo

i'm posting already

I like Santa.

But not really.

While I'm hoping that Jeremy arrives in New York Friday with a red velvet suit and beard tucked into his suitcase, I still can't get past my general biases against Santa as a tool for manipulating American children and guilting their parents into buying them tons of crap they don't need.

Plus, kinky fetishes aside, Santa is frigging creepy.

I mean...



"Smile for the camera, sweetie, and I'll take you into my 'toyshop' for a cookie..."




Smile, goddamn it, or it gets the belt again!



"Come, children. Come sit in my 'lap'."



"Um, that's okay, Santa...I'll just squeeze in here next to you."



"How would you like to come back to The North Pole to live with me? My van--er--sled--is parked out back..."



Santa loves babies. Especially dead babies. That he has most likely killed.



"Santa's just going to rest his gigantic, wandering baseball-mit hands right here, little boy, mmm K?"



"Be a good child and get Santa a throat lozenge and another hit on the meth pipe, yes?"



I don't know what the fuck this is supposed to be. But it's terrifying.

The last thing Jeremy posted on this blog was a picture of a turkey's ass.

I think it's high time he started pulling his weight around here.

What could possibly be keeping him from contributing to our blog?

Here are some thoughts...



"Hmmmm...I'm worried I don't have anything funny to say..."



"I am busy. Doing stuff. With my nose. Like, picking it. And pressing it flat. And stuff."



"I'm just plain terrified, Kristin. TERRIFIED."

Let's tell him it'll be okay. And that he should come back. And that we miss him.
So very very much...

Cat-like reflexes

A lot of good things have happened in 2008, but this, my friends, this is definitely in my top 5. A farewell gift from the Iraqi people, dog!

What disturbs me most about this video though, is not how none of Bush's 'steel trap' security team noticed a journalist slipping off his size tens, not even that people in Iraq hate Bush so much that even their journalists (who are supposed to be, like, unbiased?) want to fling things at his head...no.

What upset me the most (and I had to watch it a couple of times to be sure I wasn't imagining this), was the bemused look on Bush's face when it happened. He's reacting as if one of his frat brothers has just shaved his balls while he was passed out drunk or run his boxers up the flag pole or something.

This speaks volumes to me about how very little he cares about / understands the magnitude of what he's done. I'll be really sorry to see him go.

omglolrotflmfaolollollol

Is it me, or is Madonna starting to look like Carol Channing?

It's not easy blogging, you guys. Especially when your blogging partner spends his time locked away in all-day seminars, forcing you to maintain this goddamned thing all by yourownself.

But I get by.

So I'm out for drinks with the girls on Saturday and Missy starts talking about how she went to see the Madonna concert last month, and that her seats were so good she was actually able to see Madonna's plastic surgery face and we all agreed that she's starting to look like a skeleton covered with loose flesh. Madonna, not Missy.

And the consensus was that Madonna could maybe be mistaken for Carol Channing at this point, or a Carol Channing with ropy arms and gappy teeth. Thoughts?

When things are going to shit, Japanese TV always somehow makes me feel better.

Happy weekend, bitches.

Mwah.

Secret Santa!!!!

I know a lot of you have been agonizing over what present to get me for Christmas. Well, fear not, compadres. I have come up with some ideas.

As you know, I love to read. So here are some books that you can get me.





Don't stop believin'....





The Obama Family calendar...12 months of hope and bad Photoshopping!




And, my personal favorite:

For the...adventurous cook. A book of recipes made with semen. An excerpt:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that.

Oh, also, I like clothes. And I like to pollute my liver.
So, I'd really love to have this tee shirt. See? Perfect.

Santa baby

I am really excited that it's the holiday season. But not for the reasons you are thinking.

It's because I have a little bit of a Santa Claus fetish.

And lucky for me, that bitch is everywhere, just fueling my hot fantasies and making me really, really, REALLY excited for Christmas to come.

I think about sitting my ass down on Santa's lap as he asks me if I've been a good girl this year (I'll grin sheepishly up at him and shyly shake my head, then bury my face in that white beard and tell him I probably deserve a spanking).

Well, you can guess the rest.

Ho, ho, ho.

Shark Week

As some of you might know, because I tend to publicize it, my Aunt Ruby is in town.

You know, I'm surfing the crimson wave. Riding the red hobby horse. Having my red dot special. Dig?

Anyways, I sometimes like to go to the Rite Aid after work and peruse the feminine hygiene aisles to see if there is anything new and exciting to help with my ladytime.

I came across this ridiculousness.



Now, come the fuck on.
A maxi pad to go inside a THONG?!

What crazy bitch wears a thong when she's menstruating anyway, I do not know. But to place a pad in there? Does this seem out of wack to anyone besides me?

McAlzheimers

A new study shows a strong connection between a high intake of fat and cholesterol and the development of Alzheimers.

Swedish researchers fed junk food to mice for nine months, and mice showed signs of developing the abnormal brain tangles strongly associated with the incurable disease.

This spells bad news for this rojo caliente.



Vegetarianism never looked so good, mofos.

Like Wal-Mart needed another reason to suck

The dawn of Black Friday brought death and destruction on Long Island (where else?) when a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death as the store opened.

"By 4:55, with no police officers in sight, the crowd of more than 2,000 had become a rabble, and could be held back no longer. Fists banged and shoulders pressed on the sliding-glass double doors, which bowed in with the weight of the assault. Six to 10 workers inside tried to push back, but it was hopeless.

Suddenly, witnesses and the police said, the doors shattered, and the shrieking mob surged through in a blind rush for holiday bargains. One worker, Jdimytai Damour, 34, was thrown back onto the black linoleum tiles and trampled in the stampede that streamed over and around him. Others who had stood alongside Mr. Damour trying to hold the doors were also hurled back and run over, witnesses said."

Gross!!!

I don't know what is more contemptible: that people were so eager to do their fucking Christmas shopping that they (literally) ran over an innocent man trying to do it,
or that they were actually doing their Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart.

For shame, New Yorkers. For shame.

Fugee-La

I didn't know Dubya liked the Fugees! Kick ass!

Oh wait. No, nevermind. He likes cocaine. It's the cocaine that he likes.
Silly me.

Well, carry on, then.

Thanks, Eastah Bunny! Bock Bock!

tofurkey

Gobble Gobble, Save Me

Now THIS is a worthwhile cause.


Why eat dead bird when you can enjoy a delicious NON-MEAT alternative, and save the life of a living thing at the same time???

At Thanksgiving this year, why not PRACTICE grace while saying it?

Get me? Do ya punk? Huh?


Mouthwatering....


Mmmmmm.....


A vegan holiday table. Now that's what I call a horn of plenty.

Think about it.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

I am a busy

little

elf.

...

Thank god I won't have to take care of my elderly mother and that robots will do it for me.

They can even call 911!

Thanks, technology!

there is no other

Just Because

Word to the wise

Don't stir your steaming hot latte with an upsided-down pen just because you're too lazy to get up off your ass and go to the office kitchen for a spoon.

If the latte is really super hot it will make the plastic on the pen melty and ink will leak into your latte, and then, inky latte.

Forever your girl

This is really creepy. And sad. This poor girl.







What's even creepier and sadder is that the person she decided to stalk was Paula Abdul.

happy eleven eleven

God loves retarded cats.

Yes, we CAN! (And we sure as fuck did)

New Yorkers are over the moon and sweatin with Obama Fever. Just look at this impromptu celebration in Union Square last night...there's a sense of hope and relief that's just rippling through the city. It's palpable. It's infectious.

It's wonderful.

Seven things that caused (somewhat irrational) terror and trauma to me as a child

Note: Interesting how many of these things involved Jim Henson and/or midgets.

1. "The Dark Crystal".
This is, hands down, the most apocalyptic, terrifying, emotionally violent horror show I have ever witnessed. I couldn't eat gummy bears for years because that was the candy I got when my mom dropped me off to see this movie in fourth grade with my best friend. I hated it. Hated it. Just watch this clip and tell me this movie shouldn't have been rated NC-17.



2. Oompa Loompas
When I first saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I made my mother cover both my eyes and ears during the Oompa Loompa scenes; either that or I ran out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom until their scenes were over. I remember spending many nights getting talked down from near-anxiety attacks under my canopy bed because I was sure they were coming to get me. My mother would crawl into my bed and stroke my forehead, assuring me that they were simply little men, that they had houses and families and that when they were done playing the Oompa Loompas in the movie, they went home and took off their horrid orange makeup and had dinner, played with their kids, and went to bed. This was, however, inconceivable to me.



3. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
The first time I heard this was in the backseat of my parents' car, coming home from my grandmother's house at night. I was sure that it was a Satanic song and that they were speaking in tongues.



4. "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island
There's really no reason to explain this one. This little mongo thing with the gravelly helium voice just served no purpose on that show except to give me someone to cast as the star of my most wicked nightmares.



5. "Labyrinth"
How could a movie that had Jennifer Connelly and David Bowie in it frighten me so?
Because it was a fucking freakshow, that's how. This movie is the reason I didn't fuck around with hallucinogenics until I was way past my teen years.



6. Alice Cooper on "The Muppets"
Yeah. It's appropriate for a vampiric-looking man in dripping mascara and a cape to come crawling out of a coffin on a kid's show. Right. Thanks again, Jim Henson.



7. The episode of "Little House" when Albert burns down the blind school
For a paranoid little kid like me, who was always afraid of things like plugged-in toasters burning my house down, or my parents being killed on their way home from buying my Christmas presents at the mall, this episode particularly disturbed me. Especially the scene when Mrs. Garvey, trying to rescue Mary's baby, smashes open the window to try and escape, and gets engulfed in flames. Jesus Christ, hit us over the head with it, why don't you?

go saints day

Happy Halloween

I do believe in spooks, I do, I do, I do, I do

In honor of Halloween and all its macabre trimmings, here's a questionaire I copped off somebody's blog a while ago, and kept forgetting to do it. It is, appropriately, all about death. MOOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I challenge all of our readers (Scooter) to ponder these questions, and answer them for yourselves. I expect my co-blogger to do them as well. And by expect, I mean, I know he won't (smell like a challenge, J?)

Here goes.

What do you think happens after you die?
I think a lot of people cry and feel like they can't live in a world where I am dead.

Do you believe in heaven?
You know, I really want to, but I can't imagine it. It just seems a little to perfect and made up by frightened humans to me.


Do you believe in hell?
No. For the same reason I don't believe in heaven. It seems too perfectly horrible.

Do you think you will be judged after you die?
Well, I certainly hope so. No one should be allowed to get away with the things I've done in my life without a little eyebrow raising and wrist-slapping.


How many people will attend your funeral?
Wow. Hundreds. A lot of people love me.


Would you rather that people cry or laugh at your funeral?
Well, I'll be dead, so I won't hear anything. But I'd much prefer they laugh. I think it might be cool to play videos of my favorite comedies, like Airplane and Dumb and Dumber, while people one by one pay respect to my cauldron of ashes. Then there should be a huge party and everyone should get very very drunk and swap stories about me. That, to me, is the perfect funeral.


What's better: A shot in the head or downing pills?
I always thought the exhaust pipe in the garage thing seemed the most humane.

What should be written on your tombstone?
She lived well, loved much and laughed until she cried. That sounds totally lame, but that's sort of me in a nutshell.

Would you rather die childless or divorced?
Well I dont think that applies, since I have a kid and I'm getting divorced. Next question.


Do you want to die in the morning, afternoon, or night?
Um, gosh. Night? It might be nice to just be really old, go to sleep and go peacefully. But then you've got the people who have to wake up to your cold, stiff body. Eeks. That's a tough one. Really.


On your deathbed, which moment will you most remember?
The birth of my daughter.


Have you ever watched someone die?
Not yet. He he he.

What's the most gruesome death you can imagine?
Being waterboarded to death. I just found out what this is. It's the sickest kind of torture ever! Also, having ones eyes gouged out with a dull pair of scissors might suck as well.

How often do you think about death?
Not that much. I kind of think of death as just transcending into another form. But that's the talk of someone who's never lost someone she really really loves.


Is fear of dying your number one fear?
Not my dying, but people I love dying.

Do you believe in reincarnation?
Totally.

Have you ever wished someone you loved were dead?
A girl named Marisa who tortured me in junior high. She was vicious. I think she's the only person I really wanted to die.


Do you think you have a soul?
Yes (And I'm superbad)


Assisted suicide for a terminally ill person is:
Gentle and humane


If you were cremated, where would you like your ashes?
The mountains of upstate NY.


Would you choose to be immortal if you could be?
Dude, I already am.
Shhhh.....

Enough love for everyone.

I don't know why, but this made me really happy.
The fattest man alive just got married.

He credits his wife for helping him drop almost 500 lbs, and they seem like they are really in love.

Aw. Don't it just warm yer heart?

H8ers

I'm still regularly astounded by the amount of hatred, bigotry and downright evil in the world. Right here in the grand old US of A, even.

I guess we've been hunting down the wrong terrorists.


Sick!!!

some hear the drum, and some never know

Kristin in the snow, part II

I still heart my co-workers.

This about sums it up

McCain does his famous "Lizard Face"

My new favorite blog

No, it's not Turkeynecks.

List of the day

You won't be sorry.

I love "Best of Craig's List"

Description:
Full head rubber mask, old, has discoloration on white feather part from age, storage. Hey I got it on my big head, so it works that way.





Location: Acworth
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

because he pees in the sandbox, i bet

Bra-con

I totally stole this from Ron.




But isn't it zzzzexy?

kamala!!!

Magic Bus

Now this is the only kind of soccer mom I will consent to being. One that drives this dream machine. Think of the places you could go, the journeys! The sex in the back seat! OH, it makes me feel alive just thinking about it.

Alive, I tell you!



Also, I'm getting tired of being the only one to post on this fucking blog, and I'm running out of material.

Mwah.

I must stop eating fresh

I think I need help.
I am addicted to foot-long Subway veggie delight sandwiches. Like, completely addicted.

Something about the way the fresh-baked Honey Oat bread smell wafts from the dutch oven when I walk by the place, it just beckons at me. Kind of like the way the fabric softener smell seeps from the outside vents of the laundromat, like tiny fingers gesturing, Come closer, Kristin. Come clean your underpants. It's nice in here. And I go, like a fresh-bread posessed zombie, plunk down my $5.42 and say, "Give me the works, Esteban."

This is day three and I don't see myself getting sick of it any time soon. I justify devouring it in under 15 minutes because, hey, where else in New York City are you going to get a fresh, healthy, filling vegetarian mean that bargain price?

Nowhere, that's where.

Oh, that bread is like crack. I just finished my sandwich and I am thinking of venturing out into the rain for another.

Please, god, make it stop...

Wait, WHAT?!?!?!

I don't know about you people, but I am absolutely SHOCKED by this bombshell.

GAY?!!!!

Clay Aiken????

REALLY?!?!?!?!

Boy, he surely had us all fooled. I mean, for goodness sakes, he just fathered a child!!! Of course, I think the woman was like a 45 year old lesbian, but still...gay guys don't do that!!! A gay dad? Really, now. This is just too much.

Also, gay guys simply do NOT have this kind of hair.



I have to say, wow, Clay. Just...gosh. You think you know someone.

I, for one, am totally psyched about this though. Now, finally, the real Hollywood heavy hitters are starting to come out and declare loudly and proudly, 'Yup, I'm gay'.

I'm hoping that Gaiken's bold move will prompt other closeted Hollywoodites to go public with their hidden gayness.


Fingers crossed!

Clay, a born-again Christian, says he and JC are totally cool. He is absolutely assured he will be saved, despite his attraction to dudes.



I wouldn't worry about what Jesus thinks of you, Clay. I might be concerned however with some of the godfearin' folks you go to church with, though. Just sayin'...watch your back, ya know?