While I'm hoping that Jeremy arrives in New York Friday with a red velvet suit and beard tucked into his suitcase, I still can't get past my general biases against Santa as a tool for manipulating American children and guilting their parents into buying them tons of crap they don't need.
Plus, kinky fetishes aside, Santa is frigging creepy.
I mean...
"Smile for the camera, sweetie, and I'll take you into my 'toyshop' for a cookie..."
Smile, goddamn it, or it gets the belt again!
"Come, children. Come sit in my 'lap'."
"Um, that's okay, Santa...I'll just squeeze in here next to you."
"How would you like to come back to The North Pole to live with me? My van--er--sled--is parked out back..."
Santa loves babies. Especially dead babies. That he has most likely killed.
"Santa's just going to rest his gigantic, wandering baseball-mit hands right here, little boy, mmm K?"
"Be a good child and get Santa a throat lozenge and another hit on the meth pipe, yes?"
I don't know what the fuck this is supposed to be. But it's terrifying.
6 comments:
This is scary, like bed-wetting scary. I'm going to go do that now and save me the trouble later. Seriously, close your legs Santa and take a Valtrex.
Department store and Mall Santa's must be pervs or molesters. Why would a sane man want to be pissed on (oh wait, some of your readers might be into that) and be around screaming childrn. No wonder they take a break every 50 minutes.
OMG SD, you kill me.
Just like Santa killed that baby.
Nitewalk, I'm not speaking for my readers, but yes, many of them like to be peed on.
those santas are fucking creepy yo
I do not enjoy getting peed on.
Full stop, without qualification.
Love the last one. It's like Santa meets Jason or something like that. Dredges back old whispers of "kill her mommy, kill her... She can't hide... no place to hide..."
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