Kids are dumb.

(except mine).

Who needs a little Jesus?

no, baby. no. shhhh...

Caption this photo

i'm posting already

I like Santa.

But not really.

While I'm hoping that Jeremy arrives in New York Friday with a red velvet suit and beard tucked into his suitcase, I still can't get past my general biases against Santa as a tool for manipulating American children and guilting their parents into buying them tons of crap they don't need.

Plus, kinky fetishes aside, Santa is frigging creepy.

I mean...



"Smile for the camera, sweetie, and I'll take you into my 'toyshop' for a cookie..."




Smile, goddamn it, or it gets the belt again!



"Come, children. Come sit in my 'lap'."



"Um, that's okay, Santa...I'll just squeeze in here next to you."



"How would you like to come back to The North Pole to live with me? My van--er--sled--is parked out back..."



Santa loves babies. Especially dead babies. That he has most likely killed.



"Santa's just going to rest his gigantic, wandering baseball-mit hands right here, little boy, mmm K?"



"Be a good child and get Santa a throat lozenge and another hit on the meth pipe, yes?"



I don't know what the fuck this is supposed to be. But it's terrifying.

The last thing Jeremy posted on this blog was a picture of a turkey's ass.

I think it's high time he started pulling his weight around here.

What could possibly be keeping him from contributing to our blog?

Here are some thoughts...



"Hmmmm...I'm worried I don't have anything funny to say..."



"I am busy. Doing stuff. With my nose. Like, picking it. And pressing it flat. And stuff."



"I'm just plain terrified, Kristin. TERRIFIED."

Let's tell him it'll be okay. And that he should come back. And that we miss him.
So very very much...

Cat-like reflexes

A lot of good things have happened in 2008, but this, my friends, this is definitely in my top 5. A farewell gift from the Iraqi people, dog!

What disturbs me most about this video though, is not how none of Bush's 'steel trap' security team noticed a journalist slipping off his size tens, not even that people in Iraq hate Bush so much that even their journalists (who are supposed to be, like, unbiased?) want to fling things at his head...no.

What upset me the most (and I had to watch it a couple of times to be sure I wasn't imagining this), was the bemused look on Bush's face when it happened. He's reacting as if one of his frat brothers has just shaved his balls while he was passed out drunk or run his boxers up the flag pole or something.

This speaks volumes to me about how very little he cares about / understands the magnitude of what he's done. I'll be really sorry to see him go.

omglolrotflmfaolollollol

Is it me, or is Madonna starting to look like Carol Channing?

It's not easy blogging, you guys. Especially when your blogging partner spends his time locked away in all-day seminars, forcing you to maintain this goddamned thing all by yourownself.

But I get by.

So I'm out for drinks with the girls on Saturday and Missy starts talking about how she went to see the Madonna concert last month, and that her seats were so good she was actually able to see Madonna's plastic surgery face and we all agreed that she's starting to look like a skeleton covered with loose flesh. Madonna, not Missy.

And the consensus was that Madonna could maybe be mistaken for Carol Channing at this point, or a Carol Channing with ropy arms and gappy teeth. Thoughts?

When things are going to shit, Japanese TV always somehow makes me feel better.

Happy weekend, bitches.

Mwah.

Secret Santa!!!!

I know a lot of you have been agonizing over what present to get me for Christmas. Well, fear not, compadres. I have come up with some ideas.

As you know, I love to read. So here are some books that you can get me.





Don't stop believin'....





The Obama Family calendar...12 months of hope and bad Photoshopping!




And, my personal favorite:

For the...adventurous cook. A book of recipes made with semen. An excerpt:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that.

Oh, also, I like clothes. And I like to pollute my liver.
So, I'd really love to have this tee shirt. See? Perfect.

Santa baby

I am really excited that it's the holiday season. But not for the reasons you are thinking.

It's because I have a little bit of a Santa Claus fetish.

And lucky for me, that bitch is everywhere, just fueling my hot fantasies and making me really, really, REALLY excited for Christmas to come.

I think about sitting my ass down on Santa's lap as he asks me if I've been a good girl this year (I'll grin sheepishly up at him and shyly shake my head, then bury my face in that white beard and tell him I probably deserve a spanking).

Well, you can guess the rest.

Ho, ho, ho.

Shark Week

As some of you might know, because I tend to publicize it, my Aunt Ruby is in town.

You know, I'm surfing the crimson wave. Riding the red hobby horse. Having my red dot special. Dig?

Anyways, I sometimes like to go to the Rite Aid after work and peruse the feminine hygiene aisles to see if there is anything new and exciting to help with my ladytime.

I came across this ridiculousness.



Now, come the fuck on.
A maxi pad to go inside a THONG?!

What crazy bitch wears a thong when she's menstruating anyway, I do not know. But to place a pad in there? Does this seem out of wack to anyone besides me?

McAlzheimers

A new study shows a strong connection between a high intake of fat and cholesterol and the development of Alzheimers.

Swedish researchers fed junk food to mice for nine months, and mice showed signs of developing the abnormal brain tangles strongly associated with the incurable disease.

This spells bad news for this rojo caliente.



Vegetarianism never looked so good, mofos.

Like Wal-Mart needed another reason to suck

The dawn of Black Friday brought death and destruction on Long Island (where else?) when a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death as the store opened.

"By 4:55, with no police officers in sight, the crowd of more than 2,000 had become a rabble, and could be held back no longer. Fists banged and shoulders pressed on the sliding-glass double doors, which bowed in with the weight of the assault. Six to 10 workers inside tried to push back, but it was hopeless.

Suddenly, witnesses and the police said, the doors shattered, and the shrieking mob surged through in a blind rush for holiday bargains. One worker, Jdimytai Damour, 34, was thrown back onto the black linoleum tiles and trampled in the stampede that streamed over and around him. Others who had stood alongside Mr. Damour trying to hold the doors were also hurled back and run over, witnesses said."

Gross!!!

I don't know what is more contemptible: that people were so eager to do their fucking Christmas shopping that they (literally) ran over an innocent man trying to do it,
or that they were actually doing their Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart.

For shame, New Yorkers. For shame.