11:11

Because I care.

2009-04-26T11:34:00.001-07:00

Dear Jeremy,

I know you'll be spending the next few days lonely and cold in a foreign city with nary a friend to rely upon, and I don't know how the porn will be in your hotel room, so I thought I'd post a photo for you to keep you warm at night.

Mwah!

Love,

Kristin

Hey! Jehovah's Witnesses!

2009-04-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

WWJD?

I am reasonably sure he wouldn't be knocking on motherfuckers doors at 830 am on Saturday mornings.

I can tell you that much.

And we're back.

2009-04-03T04:41:00.000-07:00

I just didn't know what I could do to top 'Tree Man', and I needed to catch my breath. For a couple of months.

Then I found out Madame Tussauds just made a wax figure of Zac Efron!!!

And I was suddenly all kinds of inspired.

What Team? Wildcats!!!

WHAT TEAM? WILDCATS!!!

WHAT TEAM? WILDCATS!!!!!

Tree Man

2009-02-18T07:56:00.001-08:00

I went to the youtube to watch the video of James the Narcoleptic Tree Cutter, after reading Scooter's last post.

And on the sidebar I saw this video. The human Treeman.

Check it out.

Poor Deedee.

But look, there's hope!

Hate: Pass it on!

2009-02-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

I just discovered the best web site, called thewaytohappiness.org.

It's almost as good as the one with the picture of Jesus's bloody forehead, but not quite.

This web site gets its pro-scientology message across by way of hit-you-over-the-head-with-it PSAs.

I came away from this one feeling like I wanted to punch someone in the mouth. But I don't think that was the intended effect.

What ever happened to ...

2009-02-06T07:54:00.000-08:00

That kid from "The Toy"? You know, one who licked the flag pole in "A Christmas Story?"

Scott Schwartz. That's him.

Well. He never really got any taller than 5 feet. And he made a porno. Gross, but I kind of want to see it.

I KNEW it!

2009-02-04T08:22:00.001-08:00

Aww, give a little love. Transvaginally.

2009-02-04T07:34:00.000-08:00

It's good to know that if anyone I love ever needs a kidney, I can just donate it through my vagina.

Let's hear it for technology!

omglol

2009-02-02T12:00:00.001-08:00

Whatever happened to...

2009-01-30T06:36:00.000-08:00

Shavar Ross, who played Dudley on Diff'rent Strokes?

Come on, we all remember Dudley, right? The one who was almost molested on the creeeepiest episode of DS ever?

I never was able to look at little shirtless Dudley in quite the same way after that episode.

And apparently, Shavar couldn't either. I read that he was actually getting molested in real life while they were filming that one. Isn't that tragic?

Arnold and Dudley watch a porno cartoon...

"Mr. Horton", the "bicycle shop guy" gives the boys some jesus juice...

Shavar today. He's pretty cute!

He blogs, but it's open to invited readers only. He also has a production company.

Maybe some day he will be well known for his writing or directing. But for me, he'll probably always be almost-molested Dudley.

cheese sandwich love

2009-01-27T09:04:00.000-08:00

whatever happened to...

2009-01-23T07:53:00.000-08:00

In my tireless and ongoing efforts to keep Kristin off my case about posting things here on the 11:11 (when I can barely find the time or energy to post things on my personal blog), I decided to play nice and participate in the whole "Whatever happened to..." thing she came up with last week.

So, here goes:

Whatever happened to... the Junkyard Dog?

He's dead.

(see what i did there? it's friday! omglol!!!)

What what in the butt

2009-01-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

All this talk of back door entry is making me giggly.

Here's a weekend video to enjoy, you fucking perverts.

MWAH!!!

Bye Bye, Fuckface

2009-01-20T06:07:00.001-08:00

Now, GIT!

ee-er-ee-er-ee-er

2009-01-18T13:45:00.000-08:00

What ever happened to...

2009-01-16T07:06:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday, my beautiful bitches!!!

Know what that means...

Jesus, I thought this day would never come. It seems a million years since my Willie Aames post. But here we are again.

I thought I'd pick Tricia Cast as the subject of today's brilliant installment because, well, I wanna do something nice for Jeremy. And I think that Ms. Cast was fodder for some of 9 year old-Jeremy's under-the-covers fumblings, the same way that the whole Ricky Schroeder/Jason Bateman threesome fantasy was for 11 year old Kristin at the same time.

Yes. I'm old.

After kicking around the 1980s television scene forEVER (she was on Mr. Belevedere, Little House, Bad News Bears, and most famously, It's Your Move),

she landed a regular spot as Nina on The Young and The Restless, where she still is.

Sometimes she makes an indie movie.

She's still kind of cute.

This post was boring.

happy weekend, loves.

NYC No Pants Subway Ride 2009

2009-01-15T06:35:00.000-08:00

I'm still not sure what the point of this is, but it's been going on for 8 years.
Yes, this really happened last week.

Next year I think we should totally do this.

What ever happened to...

2009-01-09T07:15:00.001-08:00

Happy Friday, lovers.

I'm kicking off '09 with a shiny-new, ongoing installment to 11:11, called, "What ever happened to..."

I thought this would be a fun little series for us all to look forward to weekly, because

a. I know so goddamned much stuff, it'd take a lifetime for me to share it with all of you. So I'd better start now. Maybe Jeremy knows something too, and would like to participate in the series. Wouldn't that be fun???
and

b. I am a lazy fuck and by the end of the week I am tired of blogging about things like my stray gray pubic hairs and funny crap my kid says and of stealing videos and photos from other people's blogs. Even though I know you people eat that shit up.

So here we are. I thought we'd start today with the fascinating life history of Willie Aames.

Many of of you (maybe I'm wrong about this) remember Willie as the cute older brother on the show "Eight is Enough". More of you probably remember him though as retard sidekick Buddy to Chachi's "Charles in Charge".
Fun fact: This dynamic duo also starred together in the smash hit 80's teen sex romp, "Zapped".

Willie was cute in that dirty Apple Pie American Bad Boy kind of way (think Chris Atkins in "A Night in Heaven". Oh, but that movie made my pre-pubescent girl parts throb).

This is what Willie looks like now.

Whoa.

The man'sclearly seen some hard times. After surviving childhood abuse, Willie turned to the bottle and the drugs during his high times as an 80's teen idol. Then it all came crashing down and he moved to Kansas and sobered up and became a born-again Christian.

Surprising? Not so much.

He parlayed his newfound Jesusness and his acting talent into the creation/portrayal of Bibleman.

I shit you not.

Here is an excerpt from one of the (unbelievably numerous) Bibleman DVDs (available online! There are also coloring books!):

Bibleman Powersource Series:
Crushing the Conspiracies of the Cheater DVD

You wouldn’t expect the issue of cheating to be a problem at Bible Bowl competitions. Then again, most Bible Bowls aren’t plagued by a guy in black, sporting a dastardly “Belittler” on his belt-buckle. Meet The Cheater.

Young Jake and Emily are snared by the sneaky little dude, lured by the promise of guaranteed success without hard work. But thanks to the help of the Bible Adventure Team—Cypher, Melody, Biblegirl and Bibleman—the kids are able to resist the slick con-man just in time to do the right thing.

Features a special appearance by Rick & Bubba as the Whine Brothers.

Anyway, Willie had a rough go of it this past Thanksgiving. After falling off the wagon, he locked himself in a motel room with a bottle of Jack and slit his own throat.

Ackkkk.

He's still alive, though. He spent some time in the psych ward and got back on track and I am confident that we'll still see some very interesting things from him in the future.

Good luck to you, Willie.

Keep on reaching for the stars. Go on, now.

And happy weekend, motherfuckers.

Mwah.

Oh, I'll flush you alright.

2009-01-08T06:29:00.000-08:00

I love passive-aggressive notes.com.

This tickled me.

A jolly good man is hard to find

2009-01-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

Not every guy would be willing to climb into a sweatbox of a Santa suit (with boots! and belt!!! Even glasses, too!!!) just to fulfill his girl's kinky weird childhood fantasies.

Then, don it a couple days later when girlfriend's small child spys said Santa suit sticking out from a suitcase and asks him to please put it on.

For Mama

For Baby

If you ask me, that's a good man right there.

Kids are dumb.

2008-12-30T07:11:00.001-08:00

(except mine).

Who needs a little Jesus?

2008-12-28T14:02:00.000-08:00

no, baby. no. shhhh...

2008-12-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

Caption this photo

2008-12-23T05:23:00.001-08:00

i'm posting already

2008-12-22T07:59:00.001-08:00

I like Santa.

2008-12-17T07:23:00.000-08:00

But not really.

While I'm hoping that Jeremy arrives in New York Friday with a red velvet suit and beard tucked into his suitcase, I still can't get past my general biases against Santa as a tool for manipulating American children and guilting their parents into buying them tons of crap they don't need.

Plus, kinky fetishes aside, Santa is frigging creepy.

I mean...

"Smile for the camera, sweetie, and I'll take you into my 'toyshop' for a cookie..."

Smile, goddamn it, or it gets the belt again!

"Come, children. Come sit in my 'lap'."

"Um, that's okay, Santa...I'll just squeeze in here next to you."

"How would you like to come back to The North Pole to live with me? My van--er--sled--is parked out back..."

Santa loves babies. Especially dead babies. That he has most likely killed.

"Santa's just going to rest his gigantic, wandering baseball-mit hands right here, little boy, mmm K?"

"Be a good child and get Santa a throat lozenge and another hit on the meth pipe, yes?"

I don't know what the fuck this is supposed to be. But it's terrifying.

The last thing Jeremy posted on this blog was a picture of a turkey's ass.

2008-12-16T06:33:00.001-08:00

I think it's high time he started pulling his weight around here.

What could possibly be keeping him from contributing to our blog?

Here are some thoughts...

"Hmmmm...I'm worried I don't have anything funny to say..."

"I am busy. Doing stuff. With my nose. Like, picking it. And pressing it flat. And stuff."

"I'm just plain terrified, Kristin. TERRIFIED."

Let's tell him it'll be okay. And that he should come back. And that we miss him.
So very very much...

Cat-like reflexes

2008-12-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

A lot of good things have happened in 2008, but this, my friends, this is definitely in my top 5. A farewell gift from the Iraqi people, dog!

What disturbs me most about this video though, is not how none of Bush's 'steel trap' security team noticed a journalist slipping off his size tens, not even that people in Iraq hate Bush so much that even their journalists (who are supposed to be, like, unbiased?) want to fling things at his head...no.

What upset me the most (and I had to watch it a couple of times to be sure I wasn't imagining this), was the bemused look on Bush's face when it happened. He's reacting as if one of his frat brothers has just shaved his balls while he was passed out drunk or run his boxers up the flag pole or something.

This speaks volumes to me about how very little he cares about / understands the magnitude of what he's done. I'll be really sorry to see him go.

omglolrotflmfaolollollol

Is it me, or is Madonna starting to look like Carol Channing?

2008-12-15T06:29:00.000-08:00

It's not easy blogging, you guys. Especially when your blogging partner spends his time locked away in all-day seminars, forcing you to maintain this goddamned thing all by yourownself.

But I get by.

So I'm out for drinks with the girls on Saturday and Missy starts talking about how she went to see the Madonna concert last month, and that her seats were so good she was actually able to see Madonna's plastic surgery face and we all agreed that she's starting to look like a skeleton covered with loose flesh. Madonna, not Missy.

And the consensus was that Madonna could maybe be mistaken for Carol Channing at this point, or a Carol Channing with ropy arms and gappy teeth. Thoughts?

When things are going to shit, Japanese TV always somehow makes me feel better.

2008-12-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

Happy weekend, bitches.

Mwah.

Secret Santa!!!!

2008-12-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of you have been agonizing over what present to get me for Christmas. Well, fear not, compadres. I have come up with some ideas.

As you know, I love to read. So here are some books that you can get me.

Don't stop believin'....

The Obama Family calendar...12 months of hope and bad Photoshopping!

And, my personal favorite:

For the...adventurous cook. A book of recipes made with semen. An excerpt:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that.

Oh, also, I like clothes. And I like to pollute my liver.
So, I'd really love to have this tee shirt. See? Perfect.

Santa baby

2008-12-08T06:58:00.000-08:00

I am really excited that it's the holiday season. But not for the reasons you are thinking.

It's because I have a little bit of a Santa Claus fetish.

And lucky for me, that bitch is everywhere, just fueling my hot fantasies and making me really, really, REALLY excited for Christmas to come.

I think about sitting my ass down on Santa's lap as he asks me if I've been a good girl this year (I'll grin sheepishly up at him and shyly shake my head, then bury my face in that white beard and tell him I probably deserve a spanking).

Well, you can guess the rest.

Ho, ho, ho.

Shark Week

2008-12-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

As some of you might know, because I tend to publicize it, my Aunt Ruby is in town.

You know, I'm surfing the crimson wave. Riding the red hobby horse. Having my red dot special. Dig?

Anyways, I sometimes like to go to the Rite Aid after work and peruse the feminine hygiene aisles to see if there is anything new and exciting to help with my ladytime.

I came across this ridiculousness.

Now, come the fuck on.
A maxi pad to go inside a THONG?!

What crazy bitch wears a thong when she's menstruating anyway, I do not know. But to place a pad in there? Does this seem out of wack to anyone besides me?

McAlzheimers

2008-12-03T05:40:00.000-08:00

A new study shows a strong connection between a high intake of fat and cholesterol and the development of Alzheimers.

Swedish researchers fed junk food to mice for nine months, and mice showed signs of developing the abnormal brain tangles strongly associated with the incurable disease.

This spells bad news for this rojo caliente.

Vegetarianism never looked so good, mofos.

Like Wal-Mart needed another reason to suck

2008-12-01T06:24:00.000-08:00

The dawn of Black Friday brought death and destruction on Long Island (where else?) when a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death as the store opened.

"By 4:55, with no police officers in sight, the crowd of more than 2,000 had become a rabble, and could be held back no longer. Fists banged and shoulders pressed on the sliding-glass double doors, which bowed in with the weight of the assault. Six to 10 workers inside tried to push back, but it was hopeless.

Suddenly, witnesses and the police said, the doors shattered, and the shrieking mob surged through in a blind rush for holiday bargains. One worker, Jdimytai Damour, 34, was thrown back onto the black linoleum tiles and trampled in the stampede that streamed over and around him. Others who had stood alongside Mr. Damour trying to hold the doors were also hurled back and run over, witnesses said."

Gross!!!

I don't know what is more contemptible: that people were so eager to do their fucking Christmas shopping that they (literally) ran over an innocent man trying to do it,
or that they were actually doing their Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart.

For shame, New Yorkers. For shame.

Fugee-La

2008-11-28T13:43:00.000-08:00

I didn't know Dubya liked the Fugees! Kick ass!

Oh wait. No, nevermind. He likes cocaine. It's the cocaine that he likes.
Silly me.

Well, carry on, then.

Thanks, Eastah Bunny! Bock Bock!

tofurkey

2008-11-27T04:42:00.000-08:00

Gobble Gobble, Save Me

2008-11-25T12:41:00.001-08:00

Now THIS is a worthwhile cause.

Why eat dead bird when you can enjoy a delicious NON-MEAT alternative, and save the life of a living thing at the same time???

At Thanksgiving this year, why not PRACTICE grace while saying it?

Get me? Do ya punk? Huh?

Mouthwatering....

Mmmmmm.....

A vegan holiday table. Now that's what I call a horn of plenty.

Think about it.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

2008-11-24T12:07:00.000-08:00

I am a busy

little

elf.

...

2008-11-23T18:30:00.000-08:00

Thank god I won't have to take care of my elderly mother and that robots will do it for me.

2008-11-20T05:55:00.000-08:00

They can even call 911!

Thanks, technology!

there is no other

2008-11-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

Just Because

2008-11-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

Word to the wise

2008-11-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

Don't stir your steaming hot latte with an upsided-down pen just because you're too lazy to get up off your ass and go to the office kitchen for a spoon.

If the latte is really super hot it will make the plastic on the pen melty and ink will leak into your latte, and then, inky latte.

Forever your girl

2008-11-13T11:59:00.000-08:00

This is really creepy. And sad. This poor girl.

What's even creepier and sadder is that the person she decided to stalk was Paula Abdul.

happy eleven eleven

2008-11-11T06:39:00.000-08:00

God loves retarded cats.

2008-11-06T07:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, we CAN! (And we sure as fuck did)

2008-11-05T09:59:00.000-08:00

New Yorkers are over the moon and sweatin with Obama Fever. Just look at this impromptu celebration in Union Square last night...there's a sense of hope and relief that's just rippling through the city. It's palpable. It's infectious.

It's wonderful.

Seven things that caused (somewhat irrational) terror and trauma to me as a child

2008-11-03T08:41:00.000-08:00

Note: Interesting how many of these things involved Jim Henson and/or midgets.

1. "The Dark Crystal".
This is, hands down, the most apocalyptic, terrifying, emotionally violent horror show I have ever witnessed. I couldn't eat gummy bears for years because that was the candy I got when my mom dropped me off to see this movie in fourth grade with my best friend. I hated it. Hated it. Just watch this clip and tell me this movie shouldn't have been rated NC-17.

2. Oompa Loompas
When I first saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I made my mother cover both my eyes and ears during the Oompa Loompa scenes; either that or I ran out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom until their scenes were over. I remember spending many nights getting talked down from near-anxiety attacks under my canopy bed because I was sure they were coming to get me. My mother would crawl into my bed and stroke my forehead, assuring me that they were simply little men, that they had houses and families and that when they were done playing the Oompa Loompas in the movie, they went home and took off their horrid orange makeup and had dinner, played with their kids, and went to bed. This was, however, inconceivable to me.

3. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
The first time I heard this was in the backseat of my parents' car, coming home from my grandmother's house at night. I was sure that it was a Satanic song and that they were speaking in tongues.

4. "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island
There's really no reason to explain this one. This little mongo thing with the gravelly helium voice just served no purpose on that show except to give me someone to cast as the star of my most wicked nightmares.

5. "Labyrinth"
How could a movie that had Jennifer Connelly and David Bowie in it frighten me so?
Because it was a fucking freakshow, that's how. This movie is the reason I didn't fuck around with hallucinogenics until I was way past my teen years.

6. Alice Cooper on "The Muppets"
Yeah. It's appropriate for a vampiric-looking man in dripping mascara and a cape to come crawling out of a coffin on a kid's show. Right. Thanks again, Jim Henson.

7. The episode of "Little House" when Albert burns down the blind school
For a paranoid little kid like me, who was always afraid of things like plugged-in toasters burning my house down, or my parents being killed on their way home from buying my Christmas presents at the mall, this episode particularly disturbed me. Especially the scene when Mrs. Garvey, trying to rescue Mary's baby, smashes open the window to try and escape, and gets engulfed in flames. Jesus Christ, hit us over the head with it, why don't you?

go saints day

2008-11-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T06:22:00.000-07:00

I do believe in spooks, I do, I do, I do, I do

2008-10-30T06:49:00.000-07:00

In honor of Halloween and all its macabre trimmings, here's a questionaire I copped off somebody's blog a while ago, and kept forgetting to do it. It is, appropriately, all about death. MOOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I challenge all of our readers (Scooter) to ponder these questions, and answer them for yourselves. I expect my co-blogger to do them as well. And by expect, I mean, I know he won't (smell like a challenge, J?)

Here goes.

What do you think happens after you die?
I think a lot of people cry and feel like they can't live in a world where I am dead.

Do you believe in heaven?
You know, I really want to, but I can't imagine it. It just seems a little to perfect and made up by frightened humans to me.

Do you believe in hell?
No. For the same reason I don't believe in heaven. It seems too perfectly horrible.

Do you think you will be judged after you die?
Well, I certainly hope so. No one should be allowed to get away with the things I've done in my life without a little eyebrow raising and wrist-slapping.

How many people will attend your funeral?
Wow. Hundreds. A lot of people love me.

Would you rather that people cry or laugh at your funeral?
Well, I'll be dead, so I won't hear anything. But I'd much prefer they laugh. I think it might be cool to play videos of my favorite comedies, like Airplane and Dumb and Dumber, while people one by one pay respect to my cauldron of ashes. Then there should be a huge party and everyone should get very very drunk and swap stories about me. That, to me, is the perfect funeral.

What's better: A shot in the head or downing pills?
I always thought the exhaust pipe in the garage thing seemed the most humane.

What should be written on your tombstone?
She lived well, loved much and laughed until she cried. That sounds totally lame, but that's sort of me in a nutshell.

Would you rather die childless or divorced?
Well I dont think that applies, since I have a kid and I'm getting divorced. Next question.

Do you want to die in the morning, afternoon, or night?
Um, gosh. Night? It might be nice to just be really old, go to sleep and go peacefully. But then you've got the people who have to wake up to your cold, stiff body. Eeks. That's a tough one. Really.

On your deathbed, which moment will you most remember?
The birth of my daughter.

Have you ever watched someone die?
Not yet. He he he.

What's the most gruesome death you can imagine?
Being waterboarded to death. I just found out what this is. It's the sickest kind of torture ever! Also, having ones eyes gouged out with a dull pair of scissors might suck as well.

How often do you think about death?
Not that much. I kind of think of death as just transcending into another form. But that's the talk of someone who's never lost someone she really really loves.

Is fear of dying your number one fear?
Not my dying, but people I love dying.

Do you believe in reincarnation?
Totally.

Have you ever wished someone you loved were dead?
A girl named Marisa who tortured me in junior high. She was vicious. I think she's the only person I really wanted to die.

Do you think you have a soul?
Yes (And I'm superbad)

Assisted suicide for a terminally ill person is:
Gentle and humane

If you were cremated, where would you like your ashes?
The mountains of upstate NY.

Would you choose to be immortal if you could be?
Dude, I already am.
Shhhh.....

Enough love for everyone.

2008-10-29T08:09:00.001-07:00

I don't know why, but this made me really happy.
The fattest man alive just got married.

He credits his wife for helping him drop almost 500 lbs, and they seem like they are really in love.

Aw. Don't it just warm yer heart?

H8ers

2008-10-28T05:34:00.001-07:00

I'm still regularly astounded by the amount of hatred, bigotry and downright evil in the world. Right here in the grand old US of A, even.

I guess we've been hunting down the wrong terrorists.

Sick!!!

some hear the drum, and some never know

2008-10-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

Kristin in the snow, part II

2008-10-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

I still heart my co-workers.

This about sums it up

2008-10-17T05:21:00.000-07:00

McCain does his famous "Lizard Face"

My new favorite blog

2008-10-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

No, it's not Turkeynecks.

List of the day

You won't be sorry.

I love "Best of Craig's List"

2008-10-13T19:07:00.001-07:00

Description:
Full head rubber mask, old, has discoloration on white feather part from age, storage. Hey I got it on my big head, so it works that way.

Location: Acworth
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

because he pees in the sandbox, i bet

2008-10-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

Bra-con

2008-10-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

I totally stole this from Ron.

But isn't it zzzzexy?

kamala!!!

2008-10-01T21:18:00.001-07:00

Magic Bus

2008-10-01T12:53:00.001-07:00

Now this is the only kind of soccer mom I will consent to being. One that drives this dream machine. Think of the places you could go, the journeys! The sex in the back seat! OH, it makes me feel alive just thinking about it.

Alive, I tell you!

Also, I'm getting tired of being the only one to post on this fucking blog, and I'm running out of material.

Mwah.

I must stop eating fresh

2008-09-27T15:56:00.001-07:00

I think I need help.
I am addicted to foot-long Subway veggie delight sandwiches. Like, completely addicted.

Something about the way the fresh-baked Honey Oat bread smell wafts from the dutch oven when I walk by the place, it just beckons at me. Kind of like the way the fabric softener smell seeps from the outside vents of the laundromat, like tiny fingers gesturing, Come closer, Kristin. Come clean your underpants. It's nice in here. And I go, like a fresh-bread posessed zombie, plunk down my $5.42 and say, "Give me the works, Esteban."

This is day three and I don't see myself getting sick of it any time soon. I justify devouring it in under 15 minutes because, hey, where else in New York City are you going to get a fresh, healthy, filling vegetarian mean that bargain price?

Nowhere, that's where.

Oh, that bread is like crack. I just finished my sandwich and I am thinking of venturing out into the rain for another.

Please, god, make it stop...

Wait, WHAT?!?!?!

2008-09-25T05:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you people, but I am absolutely SHOCKED by this bombshell.

GAY?!!!!

Clay Aiken????

REALLY?!?!?!?!

Boy, he surely had us all fooled. I mean, for goodness sakes, he just fathered a child!!! Of course, I think the woman was like a 45 year old lesbian, but still...gay guys don't do that!!! A gay dad? Really, now. This is just too much.

Also, gay guys simply do NOT have this kind of hair.

I have to say, wow, Clay. Just...gosh. You think you know someone.

I, for one, am totally psyched about this though. Now, finally, the real Hollywood heavy hitters are starting to come out and declare loudly and proudly, 'Yup, I'm gay'.

I'm hoping that Gaiken's bold move will prompt other closeted Hollywoodites to go public with their hidden gayness.

Fingers crossed!

Clay, a born-again Christian, says he and JC are totally cool. He is absolutely assured he will be saved, despite his attraction to dudes.

I wouldn't worry about what Jesus thinks of you, Clay. I might be concerned however with some of the godfearin' folks you go to church with, though. Just sayin'...watch your back, ya know?

Progressive Fashion

2008-09-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

I was hoping I could find an Obama thong! Wow, I'm mad excited.
However, I can't decide between these or the 100% cotton Ojamas.
Decisions, decisions...

i can make fun of the gays because i don't mean anything by it but you shouldn't because you're secretly prejudiced and it's sad. so sad.

2008-09-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

i hate to be the bearer of bad news but i just saw this at the top of my gmail and i wanted you to be the first to know:

Analysis Confirms AIDS Epidemic Hits Men Hard

of course it does; they can't catch it if they're soft.

omfglmaolololololololololololololololololollololololololol!!!!

I'm a little frightened, frankly.

2008-09-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

This tickled me. It's fake, but what do you guys care? It's tits, and you're all pervs.

Mwah.

Oh, Fuck

2008-09-10T04:57:00.000-07:00

McCain shoots ahead.

How? I need to understand this.

Oldie, but a goodie

2008-09-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

Who will I make fun of in January?

Sigh.

Happy Birthday, Hotfish

2008-09-06T07:17:00.001-07:00

How could you not love that face?

Don't worry, maybe you'll have a stroke soon and save face. You know, because you're old. And clearly suffering from old-man brain.

2008-09-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

Dear John McCain,

I don't know about the rest of America, but I am feeling more and more assured about your wicked awesome decision-making skills.

Alaska hasn't been so interesting since "Northern Exposure". Why buy Us Weekly when we can just chill with your running mate for a few hours?
Jamie Lynn Spears or Bristol Palin? Same diff, y'all.

I wonder what will happen next!

The suspense is killing me.

I hope it'll last.

Love,

Kristin

PS: Thanks for giving me something else to think about yesterday besides Hurricane Gustav and a tree falling on Jeremy's head while he stood in his carport videotaping the storm!!! I owe ya one!

gustav two: electric boogaloo

2008-08-31T15:13:00.000-07:00

gustav

2008-08-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

Thank Goodness

2008-08-28T17:53:00.001-07:00

I didn't even know you could GET eye cancer.

great, now I have something else to worry about.

Thank goodness for the internet, though.

What?

Michelle Obama is one hot snatch

2008-08-26T05:11:00.001-07:00

Move over, Kate Winslet! Mama's got me a new girl crush.

Oh man, did you guys SEE her at the DNC last night?

She's poised, confident, brilliant, and she's got flawless skin, man.
When she said that bit about, "In a country where a girl from the wrong side of the tracks can go on to become a lawyer...", my nipples jumped to attention. My mouth went a little slack and I think I drooled onto my "Flirt" pajama top.

We have to get Obama into office if only so I can enjoy that hot piece of ass for four years.

Bring it.

let's all vote mccain: another haiku

2008-08-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

let's all vote mccain!
because that obama guy
stutters a bit much.

Are you lonesome tonight (for bananas)?

2008-08-19T05:41:00.000-07:00

Land of confusion

2008-08-14T05:48:00.000-07:00

So I'm reading this stuff about the Russia/Georgia conflict this morning and a shiver runs up my spine, remembering what it was like to grow up in the 80's when "Nuclear Winter" was a regular part of my ten year old vocabulary.

I would sit in the backseat of my parents' car on family trips and make under-the-table deals with God, promising I would stop picking my nose and being mean to my sister if only He would please please let me grow up. I spent sleepless nights obsessing over "The Day After" and almost got hit by a car once walking to school, because my eyes were constantly scanning the flat Long Island horizon for mushroom clouds.

So, yay! I grew up! And America is now safely in the hands of a competent, level-headed leader who would never, ever hit the wrong button and blow up the planet accidentally.

Whew for that.

Wait, what?

growing the rainbow

2008-08-12T17:57:00.001-07:00

obama for change.

Sweet Memories, part deux (electric boogaloo)

2008-08-12T05:11:00.001-07:00

No country for old men

2008-08-09T05:25:00.001-07:00

Hmmm. Thought provoking, no?

sweet memories

2008-08-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

Olestra: A Haiku

2008-08-03T17:02:00.001-07:00

How I miss WOW chips
Who knew that synthetic fat
caused anal leakage?

Pre-weekend Bitchassery

2008-08-01T05:48:00.001-07:00

Well, it's Friday, folks. And you know what that means. It's time for Kristin to get whiny.

I'd like to start this pre-weekend post with an open message to the street musicians of New York City. Hello, Hi. Yes, I'm talking to you, sir. You. Listen up.
And when I call you a "musician", note that I use the term very loosely.

It's important you bear in mind that just because you have an instrument(say, for instance, a dirty set of bongos you pulled out of someone's trash heap on your way to the Virgin Megastore in Manhattan to get the new Coldplay album), and you decide Hey, it sure would be cool to hop a crowded subway to "entertain" people with your newfound toy, doing so does not necessarily make you musical.

In fact, standing with your back against the subway doors, drumming wildly and without any discernable rhythm, does little more than piss off your fellow riders. They just want to get on and off the goddamned train, man. Give it a rest.

Oh, and an even less bright idea? Walking up and down the aisle of aforementioned crowded subway car with your hat in your hand, expecting people to drop you some dollah bills as a way of saying "Thanks" for the "entertainment". Not gonna happen. No.

See, here's the thing. I have had a longstanding policy about giving money to strangers in New York city and you are no exception: if you want a quarter from me, you've got to earn it. That means, gather up your pals and sing some Ben E. King in 3-part harmony. Do some breakdancing. Hell, I've even given money to that kook in Times Square who dances the cha-cha with the life-sized dolly in the flouncy dress.

I will not, however, dole out my hard-earned coins to some talentless schmuck who does nothing for me on a Friday morning but add to my already pounding headache and bleary-eyed irritation with the world. So, no, sir. You will get no tip from me.

So, Billy Bongos, I suggest you take a look around you and rip some pages out of the books of some already well-established street musicians.

Take the Saw Lady, for instance.

Hey, now that's not something you see every day. I tend to, since she lives around the corner from me. But heck, you gotta start somewhere. Am I right?

papalocity

2008-07-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

Meatheads for McCain

2008-07-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

anal sex: a haiku

2008-07-23T05:59:00.000-07:00

little bit o'lube
is really all we would need
to make rectal love.

Fuck off, Hasbro

2008-07-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

Now they've gone and done it.

Monopoly for girls.

Game pieces like the ole standby of the thimble, the dog, the shoe, have been replaced with the cell phone, the handbag, and the HAIR DRYER.

Thank goodness.

Because girls were too stupid to play Monopoly before. Now maybe they'll understand it better because Hasbro has brought it down to their level.

Grrrrr.

Zoot for President

2008-07-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

This dude is my choice
He's cool, calm, talented, chill.
Let's bring Peace back, yo.

let's all vote mccain two: a haiku, too (electric boogaloo)

2008-07-15T14:17:00.000-07:00

let's all vote mccain!
for god! family! country!
keep the white house white.

The Red Tent

2008-07-14T19:11:00.001-07:00

In olden days past,
when women had bled
the men banished them
to a tent that was red.

They hung out in the desert
for seven whole moons,
so they could all bitch in peace
out in the sand dunes.

I sure wish I had
my own little red tent;
Where I could hide by my ownself
With nary a gent.

I'd invite all my ladies,
and we'd eat Hostess cakes
and sit back on our asses
Complaining of back aches.

So I'm getting a red tent
and I don't mean to brag
but y'all can come over
when you are on the rag.

007

2008-07-01T08:05:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I'm parking my car behind a total guido car that has a license plate that says 'JB 007 Jr.'
(Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher used '007' as their secret code when they were paging each other...sooo clandestine and sexy!)
And since I'm from Long Island, I'm very interested in all things Amy Fisher.

So of course I snap a picture of it. The license plate, that is.
Then I come to find out that Jeremy hasn't seen "Lethal Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story".

So I thought I'd help him out with that.

I think you can get it on the Netflix, Jeremy. I'm sure you can.

There were actually three Amy Fisher movies that came out around the same time (1993?), but that one's actually my favorite. The other version starred a very horrid Alyssa Milano doing a terrible Nassau County accent and wearing white stretchy pants.

The third version starred Drew Barrymore. And I cannot find it ANYWHERE online. Drew's people probably had any clips of it pulled from the Youtube because
a. the performance is true camp and trash...I guess it was before Drew took acting lessons
b. Drew is like a legitimate producer/actress now. But she storms around in mini skirts and this black Elvira wig that is just unimaginably hilarious.

So, sorry, Jeremy, I did my best.

STRONG ISLAND!!!

knitted princess leia wig

2008-06-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

Cat Ass

2008-06-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

I love my cat.
And it has been well documented that he loves me.
Maybe a little bit too much. His love for me borders on obsessive.
He doesn't really accept other men in our domicile.
He kind of glares at them, and more than once I've caught him hiding under the couch,
poised, eyes shining,
paw at the ready to swipe
at a passing ankle.

His favorite thing to do is climb in my lap
when I'm on the computer
and turn around and around
to get my scent all over him
rub his face against mine
and then, as if presenting me with a fine gift
he turns around and
puts his ass in my face
and that, I have to say,
is just freaking gross.

Summer Cold, A Haiku

2008-06-17T05:26:00.000-07:00

My head filled with snot
I sneeze violently, and
Oops! I kind of peed.

Dreaming of Me

2008-06-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Each night when I lay down
and commence to dream
I find that my sleep
has a recurring theme.

I generally find
I'm in one of three places
surrounded by strange, yet
familiar faces.

Sometimes I am lost
underground, in New York,
with someone I know...
for example, Bjork.

Or else I'm in high school
And I'm all late for class
but I can't find the right room
and I ain't got no pass.

But the weirdest of dreams
I must say, has to be
the dream where I'm desperately
needin' to pee

And I search for a bathroom
and then I come upon
a toilet so filthy
and foul, and so wrong

I must carefully step
'cuz I just have to go
(and I am always barefoot;
even grosser, I know),

and I sit on the toilet
but before I let fly
I wake myself up
only jesus knows why!

One day I'll learn what
a professional thinks
'cuz decoding these dreams
is a job for a shrink.

let's all vote mccain: a haiku

2008-06-12T15:30:00.000-07:00

let's all vote mccain.
sure, maybe he is way old
then again, he's white.

Firecrotch

2008-06-10T07:58:00.000-07:00

his patience long, but soon he won't have any (or ode to my misery)

2008-06-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

would you like some cheese?
you know, to go with that whine?
it's hot. we get it.